Single women must critically think before bringing that new man home

If we can only get to know ourselves, to know that in us is a sovereign power, is an authority that is absolute, then in the next twenty-four hours we would have a new race, we would have a nation, an empire, resurrected, not from the will of others to see us rise, but from our own determination to rise, irrespective of what the world thinks

-Hon. Marcus Garvey

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Can I get a witness from my single sisters out there?

I need to know how long should a single sister wait before introducing her kids to the new man in her life?

There are so many things to consider. Does he plan on being involved? Is this a long-term thing? Or are we just ‘kicking it’? Being a single mother myself, I have pondered this question many a time. It is my concern that the images that our children are exposed to provide the foundation for their adulthood and how they base their own decisions. Because there are so many children growing up in single parent homes, the risk is great for sending the wrong messages to them. It has been proven that those negative things that occur during childhood manifest themselves in some form during adulthood. Ours is a generation of women and men playing surrogate roles for the most part. In many cases our “baby daddy” has planted his seed and plowed on, leaving us to cultivate our garden on our own. However, on the quest for our one true love we must be cautious not to create a “revolving door” impression. Our daughters will not be able to comprehend why mommy was dating Joe Blow, but is now dating John Doe and so on, and so on.

Truthfully, I labor over the decision to introduce casual acquaintances to my children for fear of having to explain why, when the relationship has fizzled, he no longer comes around. Which brings me to another point. It has been my experience that a large majority of our brothers are not willing to accept the responsibility of another man. Understandably so. My problem with this is that they are slow to communicate this information (if at all) and thus proceed into relationships they have no intentions on remaining in. In the aftermath, not only do we as women suffer from being misled, but our children suffer as well after having become too attached.

The responsibility is two-fold. On one hand, we as women have to exercise better judgment when choosing a partner. Also, if at all possible, until we know for sure what their level of commitment is we should try extremely hard to keep the relationship separate from our children. If the brother we are interested in shows no interest in or respect for our children, then the odds are he is not “the one” regardless to what other factors endear us to him. Secondly, brothers need to stop preying on these single mothers and keep it real from the start. In most cases, both parties know how far they are willing to go. Wouldn’t there be less drama in the aftermath if we all just put our cards on the table? Open and honest communication is the key.

The time has come for us to step up and perform our duties as mothers and as women. Our children are worth that and more.

To my brothers I say this: if you encounter a single mother, realize that she was doing her thing long before you came along. In the most cases, she is not looking for a replacement, a sponsor, or a stepfather for her children. Especially since she has played both roles single handedly long before you showed up. Stop viewing her as a liability and instead see her as an asset. The odds are your momma raised you alone as well.

Ya feel me?

Bridgette Hogan is a contributing writer to Blacksonville.com. If you have any questions or comments, you can email Bridgette at soulflower@blacksonville.com

"The Warrior emerged in 1555. She was forced to slit
her child's throat, and then her own to ensure her
family would not become slaves. She traveled in time,
going from the Underground Railroad, to revolting on
the plantation. The Mammy found herself performing to
the slavemaster's whim, forced to smile and please
every one else, and never herself. The Critic
described herself in a negative fashion to prevent the
slave master from finding a fondness in her; this
would possibly stop him from raping her. These masks
created for survival took a lot of courage, acting and
discipline. We should not be ashamed for wanting to
survive, and taking on these self-preserving roles,
because the Black Woman's thought and commitment to
survive is the only reason our collective family is
still on this plane of existence. Her inner
commitment and faith in the Creator, through prayer
gave birth to freedom from physical chains. It is
time for us to now give birth to freedom from mental
chains..." - Universal Woman Book