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Strong Black Women...Maybe Too Strong?

            I had a conversation with a friend the other day and let me tell you, it got heated y’all!!!  We were talking about relationships between black men and women and he had the nerve to tell me that sisters were running brothers away and sending them straight to white women.  He also said that we are too demanding and we intimidate them.  Chile’, I had to clear my throat, shift positions in my chair, and take a real deep breath before I responded.  (Don’t worry sisters! Y’all know I represented.)  I gave him a thing or two to think about.  But after the conversation was over, I too, had some things to ponder...

            Like for instance, what if we are really running our men away?  Now I know some of y’all are like, “ ‘Flower is trippin’!”  But hey, we really can dog a brother sometimes, ladies.  (Let me play Devil’s Advocate for a minute.)  Suppose we have a brother that, in his mind, is doing the best he can.  However, he is just not living up to what our expectations are so, quite naturally, we have a straight up attitude.  And true to our nature, we have no problem telling him how sorry he is, giving him as much grief as we possibly can.   On one hand, he doesn’t even fully understand why we are tripping in the first place.  On the other hand, we feel like we shouldn’t have to teach him or raise him up.  This is where the disconnection of the union begins.  What is truly relative in this situation is fully acknowledging our own expectations and the likeliness of having them met with regard to the individual in mind.  Most times our expectations are unrealistic and based on this fantasy we have summoned forth from our imagination.  This is true for men and women.   But does the fact that black women are strong and definite about what we want and need really a reason for a brother to feel he should cross the color barrier?  Truly, I feel like this is just an excuse to ease the conscience of a guilty soul.  I can’t for the life of me understand why any man would be intimidated by a woman that is strong.

            I hear my sisters all the time say, “I’m looking for me a good man.!”  And yet there are those times when we have had a good man and run him away by being indecisive and/or demanding.  One thing that links one black woman to another is her strength.  As a result, plenty of brothers tell me that in relationships with black women, they are sometimes not allowed to be a man.  I imagine that comes from us having to hold it down for so long on our own.  I have a wide cross section of friends and associates.  A large majority of whom grew up with no one but their momma, just like me.  We were taught, inadvertently that we had to be strong, by mommas that had to be strong in the absence of our own fathers.   Now it seems that the very strength that defines us, is being used against us.

            This is really not even a black and white issue.  Sure I have heard all the rumors.  White women are more accommodating, easier to manipulate...the list goes on.  But ultimately I feel like less emphasis should be placed on the color the other woman’s skin is, and more on the real reason why brothers are leaving in the first place.  We have seemingly lost the connection that should be the link between black men and women.  He is no longer our king, because we feel can’t trust him, or he has hurt us so deeply we are afraid to throw our arms open and welcome him back into our love.  No longer are we his Queen, because out of our frustration we have stripped him of his dignity and belittled him preventing him from being the man he desires to be. 

            It used to bother me when I saw an interracial couple.  But I have moved past that stage and into a phase of renewal.  We all know that the connection between a brother and a sister is magnetic.  Who better to understand your struggle then someone who can fully relate to your struggle?  The key to finding our way back to one another lies within clearly defining our own roles on a personal level.  A sister with a true sense of self can love without being needy and overbearing.  And a brother that is conscious of who he is will step into his role as king without the slightest amount of difficulty.   Ya Feel Me?

                                                                                       by Bridgette Hogan
                                                                                       Ya feel me?  
      Email her if you would like to respond to this subject at: soulflower@blacksonville.com

Bridgette is a contributing writer of Blacksonville.com